Every month, the psychotherapist Vladimir Dashevsky consults with one of the readers to help him solve the problem. This time, at his reception, a 46-year-old faith from Moscow.
Faith: I really want to become a mother, but in my head is like a computer program configured for the opposite. Maybe it began after I had to give birth to a dead child in the eighth month. Or even earlier. I tried to understand what I’m afraid. Probably the fact that my freedom, independence will disappear. And also the fact that the world is so cruel, it will be difficult for me to protect the child.
Vladimir Dashevsky: First, I want to support you, faith. Loss of a child – tragedy. It seems to you that it is not easy to figure out the factors and reasons in the ball of factors and reasons. There is a terrible world and loss of freedom. What will we work with now?
– With my fear. I’m afraid … what happened. There was a second situation. No analysis showed a danger.
– And what happened?
– Premature birth https://kientrucxaydungnhatminh.com/intro/ began, the doctors said: even if the child comes out, most likely he will be sick. I had to interrupt the pregnancy again. And I began to be afraid even more. Maybe after that I convinced myself that I could not give birth to a healthy child? And now still age. But somewhere inside, no matter how I persuaded myself, what can I live without children … I understand that I want a child. But I’m very afraid.
– How this fear manifests itself in everyday life? In a relationship with her husband? You are protected? When you stopped trying to get pregnant?
– We are protected. AND. Silent on this topic. The husband also really wants a child, he was very worried about those situations, supported. But when I want to talk to him about it, I can’t – I’m afraid. He already knows everything very well. The husband treats me very reverently and gently. It is probably difficult to talk about it with him, because it also applies to him. This is our general. There are no problems in sexual life. Just silent.
– For a long time you are together?
– Those two episodes that you talked about took place in this marriage?
– After the first, you immediately tried to have a child?
– No, two years later.
– What doctors say about your health now?
– Health corresponds to age. For the first time I even had to go to the hospital, take the conclusion of a pathologist to find out the reason. The doctor said that he did not find deviations.
– In addition to this closed topic, how relations with her husband are developing?
– We have … good relations. We are as one, we understand each other. We call up several times a day, we plan a weekend. We love to make each other’s surprises, gifts. We always relax together. We are making plans. When we met, everyone already had experience of family life. And everyone gave himself a vow not to marry again. We met by accident – on the train. We talked for a very long time, although neither I nor he were tuned for communication. We went out at the station, said goodbye. True, exchanged phones. I have not given a number to strangers before. We parted in different directions, and I realized that I was losing something. A few days later they phoned and began to meet, talk. We were interested in together. And very much pulled to each other. This condition, surprisingly, has been preserved so far.
– You said you already had the experience of marriage. There were pregnancy?
– Yes. My first marriage was wonderful … what was over. My husband was older than me. He did not want children – everything worked out by chance. But at the 16th week, doctors found that the pregnancy is frozen. All this had to be … finish. Relations with my husband have deteriorated.
– I understand that there were three pregnancies? They all ended tragically, but each time you gathered and started again?
– Vera, I propose to hold a small hypnosis session. I will explain why this is needed. Fear is irrational. No matter what reasons explain him – each is breaking up about fear. And knowledge of the reason does not free from fear. When a woman decides to have a child, certain hormones are produced in her body – to prepare the body for conception and pregnancy or make her not so that she is not. This manifests itself even at the level of desire. The body, like fertile land, is preparing to perceive the seed. Or vice versa – it becomes dry and rejects everything that gets into it. Both during conception and during the period of gestation.
For some reason, in your body, as you named, a program configured for the opposite result was launched. It is she who gives rise to fear. Or she is his consequence, it does not matter. It is important to make this program stop working. This does not mean that you will get pregnant tomorrow. Life will continue, but only without fear.
(Psychoanalyst introduces faith into trans.)
– Imagine a special computer that controls your life. I don’t know how he looks. How many places it takes. Is there a screen, a keyboard or something else there. When you see him, your head will let me know about it and nods lightly.
– Your fingers can also speak. The index on the right hand will mean the signal “yes”, and on the left – “no”. I ask questions, you answer. You see a computer?
(Raises the finger of the right hand – “Yes”.)
– This is an unusual computer. He has been working for a long time. He does a lot for you – what you like, and perhaps not like. He probably put you on one train with your husband. Perhaps thanks to him you are here. This computer has different programs that are executed in life and will be executed. And I don’t know who controls them. But perhaps you could make contact with him. Maybe even without words. At the level of sensations. Feelings. And as soon as the contact is established and you feel it, your index finger will let me know.
– You can mentally thank this computer for working. And ask him the question: is he ready to do what he is doing for you, in some other way? He will be able to give his answer with the help of index fingers.
– Fine. Now imagine parts of the computer that control you. Find the part that is responsible for fear.
– You can ask her a question – when she does for you what does when you feel fear, can she do it in another way? Without fear?
(Vladimir leads faith from trance.)
– The feeling that there is fear, but not now, not here. Somewhere outside this place. Maybe he was scared?
– Yes, fear can be afraid. Remember, in the cartoon “Monster Corporation” there were monsters who ate children’s fear? Fear has very large energy.
– Yes I know. Unfortunately, I am easily inferior to him.
-But fear does a job for us.
– I’m starting to be aware. But I can’t understand what.
– Or maybe you don’t need to know for sure. You can be separate, and fear is separate. Moreover, this fear can at some point … get lost. Maybe even forget your face. After some time, he can fall into the ground and dissolve there. Decay into constituent elements, from which, for example, a tree grows. And a new life may appear out of this fear.
– I remembered from childhood a cartoon about a hare who is tired of being afraid.
– We cannot but be afraid. If there were no fear, humanity would have died out. But we can be grateful to him for doing with us. Perhaps your fear is also a part of the program that brought you to the current relationship. We cannot throw away fear, but agree with him – please. We can respect him-in the sense in which he does something important for us. You say: accidentally got on a train, met my husband. Who controls these accidents? If you trust what is happening, fear will pass by itself. Only what should happen. We do not control life, and that is why it happens in it those things that happen. And they are neither good nor bad.
– No need to aggravate them?
– And this will not work. In the end, we live in the best of the worlds.
P.S
Vladimir Dashevsky: A difficult case. Emotionally complex. Gynecologists call this a somatoform disorder. The body of a woman at an unconscious level “decides” to abandon pregnancy. The reasons can be different: negative experience, household curses, genetic diseases, birth and family problems. Vera – Brave woman. Not everyone can open up to a psychotherapist in the first session and go so far. I suggested that fear does some important work. Thanks to the metaphor about the built -in computer program, we managed to establish a dialogue with the unconscious.
Vera (after a week): When I went to a consultation, there were doubts and questions. But our conversation and the method used by the therapist made me feel that life with pain from the loss of children and the fear of future losses could change, go according to another scenario. As if I had slept all this time and tried to drive away a bad dream. Vladimir not only listened to me, but also “gave a fishing rod, showed how to catch fish”. And if I do not have enough skill and I need support, I know that I will turn to him, and this is not at all scary. It is much worse to give up and lose hope.